I know we seem different. After nearly three years of this way of life, I have reached a point of forgetfulness. Until we go out in public, that is. Behind closed doors, we are us. We all wake up in the morning, hungry for breakfast and the day's adventures. We grumble about beds to make, laundry to fold and toilets to scrub. We brush teeth and hair. We do school, puzzles, and art projects. We play games, blow bubbles, and skip rope. We teeter on two wheels for the first time, waving aside training wheels and a steadying hand. We struggle, get angry, repent, forgive. We pray, rejoice, weep.
Oh, and one of us is black.
Our adopted daughter doesn't black grumble. She doesn't black skip, or black weep. We don't buy only bright colored clothes that "will look good with her skin tone". If the girl wants to wear a dark brown dress, I say go for it!*
We are us.
That's not to say there aren't differences. We go through more lotion, oil and hair conditioner in one month than you do in six. There is no such thing as quickly running a brush through her hair (I'm doing good to get it done in under half an hour). We live in a world of sleep caps and braids and beads, and also dark earwax.
It's a fine line for transracial families; Celebrating without fixating. We want to celebrate the beauty of coils and cultural style, folklore and music. We want to shout from the rooftops that Sophia is one incredible girl, and part of that is wrapped up in something as simple as melanin. We also want to avoid fixating on her differences. Fixation quickly leads to isolation. She is not an alien to examine under a microscope. She is not on the witness stand and doesn't need to answer your litany of (bizarre) questions, that, let's be honest, go over her head anyway. She's still mostly "colorblind". No really, I promise you. She recently looked though some family pictures and asked if the baby in the picture was her. Heh. Only if bleach baths and hair relaxers were routine when you were in diapers.
"No, sweetie. That's not you. What's one big difference between you and that baby?"
"Ummmmm. I'm...bigger...?"
That you are, dear.
Transracial families (by adoption or marriage) fall into an awkward category. Girlfriends want to know what it's like to be married to a black man. Kids want to smoosh the afro, and strangers remark about how you can't see the pupils of her eyes (or make other kooky statements). Honest curiosity, girded with respect is widely accepted among transracial families. We're not a scary tribe. We are simply us.
Oh, there will always be criticisms cloaked in carefully crafted sentences: "Why go to all that trouble when there are orphans right here?" Translation: This is about you wanting _________ (an exotic child, an adventure, to be like Angelina). And to the naysayers suggesting we chose international adoption, because we wanted something exotic. Let me tell you, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, exotic about carrying a frightened child you barely know through an airport, all the while feeling parasitic diarrhea splashing onto your shoes. If that is exotic, then sign me up for a trip to Boringville.
It's almost as though there is something to the old adage, "If you can't say something nice..." There's also something to the adage, "It takes all kinds." It truly does. It takes all kinds of people to create families. It takes all kinds of passions, interests, weaknesses, and yes, even skin color to build some families.
We. Are. Us. And we are uncommonly ordinary. Normal in a different kind of way. We're a zorse in a land of zebras.** Same and different.
There are so many social designations for my daughter's skin tone. There will come a day in the not so distant future that my sweet Ethiopian daughter will come to me and say, "Mama, I'm confused. Am I black, African, Ethiopian, African-American, Abyssinian, chocolate, or negro?"
And I will smile and say, "Sweet girl. You're mine."
A Grateful Zorse,
Cynthia
*Aside from the fact that the child could wear a mourning shroud and still light up a room.
**An Honorable Mention goes to The Professor for suggesting the analogy, "Like someone twerking in a ballroom." I don't know whether to laugh, cry or edit the blog.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Questions And Comments From The Nuthouse
I receive lots of questions. I suppose because I'm a questionable person? I've decided to exact a little damage and answer some of your questions.*
Why did you start blogging?
Because there wasn't quite enough terror in this world.** Actually, my mama and hubby were the instigators. Blame them.
How old are you?
Young enough to still think cuss words are funny and old enough to grumble about disrespectful little punks.
Will you adopt again?
More to come on this topic in the coming months. For now, suffice to say that we will stop when God tells us to stop. So, stay tuned.
You're so fun to read! I wish you'd write a book!!
Thank you! I did, but it's not a funny book and it's unpublished. And unless you're a kid you're not my intended audience, and if you are a kid you're not old enough to have an e-mail account, so stop it and go clean your room!
Aaaaaaand...
What's your go-to dinner for your larger than average family?
Pfft. I love experimenting in the kitchen, but my go-tos are quesadillas or spaghetti or popcorn, apple slices and cheese. I just lost all respect from you didn't I?
Lastly, is quite possibly THE SWEETEST comment I have ever received from a reader, which is found on this post:
Hi Cynthia,
i'm a friend of your friend the puppetmaker. she shared this post with me. i thanked her and now i'll thank you, too. this was beautifully written and totally made me think about my thought process. and sophia is adorable and very obviously loved (which is most important).
a chocolate mama with a chocolate daughter go through a lot of experimentation too. my mom tried more things on my hair than i can even remember. we learn together. :)
You, my dear, blessed my socks clean off my feet.***
Traumatizing My Readers One Post At A Time,
Cynthia
*I'll apologize in advance for bursting your image of me.
**And I think it's actually a sign of the Apocalypse...?
***And, yes, I have a puppetry friend who is the best of the best in the puppet biz.
Why did you start blogging?
Because there wasn't quite enough terror in this world.** Actually, my mama and hubby were the instigators. Blame them.
How old are you?
Young enough to still think cuss words are funny and old enough to grumble about disrespectful little punks.
Will you adopt again?
More to come on this topic in the coming months. For now, suffice to say that we will stop when God tells us to stop. So, stay tuned.
You're so fun to read! I wish you'd write a book!!
Thank you! I did, but it's not a funny book and it's unpublished. And unless you're a kid you're not my intended audience, and if you are a kid you're not old enough to have an e-mail account, so stop it and go clean your room!
Aaaaaaand...
What's your go-to dinner for your larger than average family?
Pfft. I love experimenting in the kitchen, but my go-tos are quesadillas or spaghetti or popcorn, apple slices and cheese. I just lost all respect from you didn't I?
Lastly, is quite possibly THE SWEETEST comment I have ever received from a reader, which is found on this post:
Hi Cynthia,
i'm a friend of your friend the puppetmaker. she shared this post with me. i thanked her and now i'll thank you, too. this was beautifully written and totally made me think about my thought process. and sophia is adorable and very obviously loved (which is most important).
a chocolate mama with a chocolate daughter go through a lot of experimentation too. my mom tried more things on my hair than i can even remember. we learn together. :)
You, my dear, blessed my socks clean off my feet.***
Traumatizing My Readers One Post At A Time,
Cynthia
*I'll apologize in advance for bursting your image of me.
**And I think it's actually a sign of the Apocalypse...?
***And, yes, I have a puppetry friend who is the best of the best in the puppet biz.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Five Steps To Bullying A Kid
Every few years a new buzzword appears in the world of parenting. Like when everyone had Autism. Autism was the trend. Well, the new buzzword is Bullying and bully-proofing your child is trendy. Apparently there has been a significant rise in reported bullying (either on the playground or in the cyber world). Parents, teachers, curriculum designers, and senators are all crying "foul" and forming plans to assist kids in handling bullies.
Here's the deal: Bullying (in any form) is just a symptom. All of these anti-bullying campaigns and government programs are falling ridiculously short of the real issue. The real issue is the degeneration of the godly family. Families aren't fearing God. Where there is no fear of God, there is little reason to respect others. When we don't value and respect others, we don't care how our actions affect them. We see it all around us. Drivers trying to edge out other drivers for a prime parking spot, people not holding doors for the person behind them, kids in the cafeteria mocking the effeminate boy, and so on and so forth. Bullying is just one problem stemming from the degeneration of the family. All of society seems hellbent on shredding the family. With social media and texting at the fingertips of everyone in the home, there is no need to attempt to connect with our own family. We can build our own family via friends online. School sports oftentimes require practices and games during the dinner hours. Even churches divide everyone up according to age. We disembark the minivan and go our separate ways. Apart from going all Amish on the problem, how is the modern family supposed to stay tight-knit and how does this make a dent in the bullying problem?*
Be present
Unplug
Love
Listen
YAHWEH
Catchy, right?
Time to BULLY.
Be Present. Oftentimes we are rushing from one event to another, catching food on the go, telling our kids to hurry it up. This is no way to connect to our child's heart. They need us to slow down and just be with them. Stop worrying about the next thing on the day planner and just embrace them right here and now.
Unplug From Distractions. Technology is great. It really is. But it comes with a very real risk. We are reprogramming our minds to think we need to check in on Facebook, or we have to Tweet about such-and-such. When our family is with us, we need to set down the phone, close the laptop and look our kids and spouse in the eyes.
Learn the Love Languages of Your Family Members. It's kind of fun and will give you a springboard for proclaiming love over your kids in a way that speaks volumes to their tender little hearts.
Listen to the Heart Issues. The spoken word and the underlying truth are not always in agreement. We need to be proficient in looking past the surface and truly listening to our children.
Press Into YAHWEH. It's all for naught if this foundation is not being laid constantly and consistently.
How does this help the bullying problem? Wellllll more kids being embraced means less kids falling through the cracks. Less kids falling through the cracks means more kids being called to task. That's all well and good, Cynthia, except my kids aren't the problem. Here's the rub: Once we're doing this with our own kids, we can begin to tackle the problem outside our front door. So, you suspect (or know for a fact) that there's a kid in the neighborhood whose parents are divorced and he's a latch key kid. You also just happen to know he's a bit rough around the edges. BULLY him. There's a girl in your daughter's class who is snarky and disrespectful. Invite her family over for a cookout. Include their daughter in a round of goofy golf with your family. BULLY her.
It won't solve the world's problems, but you'll make a difference right where you are.
Scouting Out A Kid To BULLY,
Cynthia
*I was going to apologize to any Amish reading this and then I realized...oh right...
Here's the deal: Bullying (in any form) is just a symptom. All of these anti-bullying campaigns and government programs are falling ridiculously short of the real issue. The real issue is the degeneration of the godly family. Families aren't fearing God. Where there is no fear of God, there is little reason to respect others. When we don't value and respect others, we don't care how our actions affect them. We see it all around us. Drivers trying to edge out other drivers for a prime parking spot, people not holding doors for the person behind them, kids in the cafeteria mocking the effeminate boy, and so on and so forth. Bullying is just one problem stemming from the degeneration of the family. All of society seems hellbent on shredding the family. With social media and texting at the fingertips of everyone in the home, there is no need to attempt to connect with our own family. We can build our own family via friends online. School sports oftentimes require practices and games during the dinner hours. Even churches divide everyone up according to age. We disembark the minivan and go our separate ways. Apart from going all Amish on the problem, how is the modern family supposed to stay tight-knit and how does this make a dent in the bullying problem?*
Be present
Unplug
Love
Listen
YAHWEH
Catchy, right?
Time to BULLY.
Be Present. Oftentimes we are rushing from one event to another, catching food on the go, telling our kids to hurry it up. This is no way to connect to our child's heart. They need us to slow down and just be with them. Stop worrying about the next thing on the day planner and just embrace them right here and now.
Unplug From Distractions. Technology is great. It really is. But it comes with a very real risk. We are reprogramming our minds to think we need to check in on Facebook, or we have to Tweet about such-and-such. When our family is with us, we need to set down the phone, close the laptop and look our kids and spouse in the eyes.
Learn the Love Languages of Your Family Members. It's kind of fun and will give you a springboard for proclaiming love over your kids in a way that speaks volumes to their tender little hearts.
Listen to the Heart Issues. The spoken word and the underlying truth are not always in agreement. We need to be proficient in looking past the surface and truly listening to our children.
Press Into YAHWEH. It's all for naught if this foundation is not being laid constantly and consistently.
How does this help the bullying problem? Wellllll more kids being embraced means less kids falling through the cracks. Less kids falling through the cracks means more kids being called to task. That's all well and good, Cynthia, except my kids aren't the problem. Here's the rub: Once we're doing this with our own kids, we can begin to tackle the problem outside our front door. So, you suspect (or know for a fact) that there's a kid in the neighborhood whose parents are divorced and he's a latch key kid. You also just happen to know he's a bit rough around the edges. BULLY him. There's a girl in your daughter's class who is snarky and disrespectful. Invite her family over for a cookout. Include their daughter in a round of goofy golf with your family. BULLY her.
It won't solve the world's problems, but you'll make a difference right where you are.
Scouting Out A Kid To BULLY,
Cynthia
*I was going to apologize to any Amish reading this and then I realized...oh right...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
28 Ways To Connect With Your Child
Since February is the Love Month (or so I've heard from hopeless romantics), I figured I'd share a few ways to show love to those ankle biters who keep calling you "Mom".
1. Begin by learning their love language(s). If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out this book (or this one if you have older kiddos).
2. Whenever possible, make eye contact with your child when they talk to you, and likewise when you are talking to them.
3. Hug often.
4. Google "obscure holidays" and every month pick one (or more!) to celebrate.*
5. Watch home videos together. **
6. Get silly. Play ridiculous games together.
7. Climb in the fort with them.
8. Have family meetings and include their thoughts and opinions. Better yet, let them lead the meeting now and then.
9. Go camping, even if it's only in the backyard.
10. Learn a new skill together.
11. Sometimes it's best to leave the dishes in the sink and have a good snuggle instead.
12. Read a book under the covers with them.
13. Genuinely apologize when you've wronged them.
14. Listen wholeheartedly.
15. Pray for each other.
16. Surprise them with individual time with you (even if it's nothing more than staying up 10 minutes later than the rest of the kids).
17. Make up a story with the two of you as the main characters. ***
18. You initiate play, instead of waiting for them to seek you out.
19. Laugh often and with abandon.
20. Affirm their value in the family.
21. Ask permission to relay anecdotal stories about them to your friends/relatives.
22. Be vulnerable. It's OK if our children see our imperfections (keeping in mind age-appropriateness).
23. Don't share behavioral woes with any more people than necessary, and definitely not when your child might hear you.
24. Read to them (even if they can read independently).
25. Be trustworthy.
26. Just because they are young does not mean we are excused from respecting them.
27. Educate yourself on their interests; Learn the names of their favorite book characters, play their favorite Wii game with them, know their favorite band, etc.
28. In short, love deeply.
Give It A Go,
Cynthia
*Does it get better than celebrating National Ice-Cream Sundae Day? Didn't think so.
**If you don't have any, get crackin'.
***Bonus points for illustrations.
1. Begin by learning their love language(s). If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out this book (or this one if you have older kiddos).
2. Whenever possible, make eye contact with your child when they talk to you, and likewise when you are talking to them.
3. Hug often.
4. Google "obscure holidays" and every month pick one (or more!) to celebrate.*
5. Watch home videos together. **
6. Get silly. Play ridiculous games together.
7. Climb in the fort with them.
8. Have family meetings and include their thoughts and opinions. Better yet, let them lead the meeting now and then.
9. Go camping, even if it's only in the backyard.
10. Learn a new skill together.
11. Sometimes it's best to leave the dishes in the sink and have a good snuggle instead.
12. Read a book under the covers with them.
13. Genuinely apologize when you've wronged them.
14. Listen wholeheartedly.
15. Pray for each other.
16. Surprise them with individual time with you (even if it's nothing more than staying up 10 minutes later than the rest of the kids).
17. Make up a story with the two of you as the main characters. ***
18. You initiate play, instead of waiting for them to seek you out.
19. Laugh often and with abandon.
20. Affirm their value in the family.
21. Ask permission to relay anecdotal stories about them to your friends/relatives.
22. Be vulnerable. It's OK if our children see our imperfections (keeping in mind age-appropriateness).
23. Don't share behavioral woes with any more people than necessary, and definitely not when your child might hear you.
24. Read to them (even if they can read independently).
25. Be trustworthy.
26. Just because they are young does not mean we are excused from respecting them.
27. Educate yourself on their interests; Learn the names of their favorite book characters, play their favorite Wii game with them, know their favorite band, etc.
28. In short, love deeply.
Give It A Go,
Cynthia
*Does it get better than celebrating National Ice-Cream Sundae Day? Didn't think so.
**If you don't have any, get crackin'.
***Bonus points for illustrations.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Is Your Calendar Screaming "Uncle!"?
There are a lot of people who claim not to try to keep up with the Joneses. I see one area that screams "Liar!" to almost everyone. Parents, go look at your calendar. Girls Scouts, soccer practice, karate class, ballet, chess tournaments, swimming lessons, basketball, Cub Scouts, music lessons, drama practice, field trips, AWANA, bible quizzing, spelling bees, and by the way "Mom, I'm supposed to bring 400 cupcakes to school tomorrow."
So, maybe your brand of busy looks different than the Joneses, but we somehow feel like limiting our children's activities will leave them ill-equipped for real life. We're concerned that we will be criticized for not letting our kids partake of an array of activities. After all, where else will they learn such valuable lessons found in said activities?
Common reasons for enrolling kids in sports: Exercise, discipline, respect, and learning to be a team player. Don't we want those qualities applied, not just to soccer, but also to our family? Why should they learn those attributes from a coach? Why not enroll your child in a sport because they are disciplined, respectful and have learned to be a team player within their family? His/her coach will thank you, and you can rest in the knowledge that your child is receiving reinforcement training in what you have already begun (while staying fit). The only way we can achieve this is if we are investing serious quality time in training our children, versus saying a prayer and crossing our fingers.
When hard times come who will our children fall back on? Their ballet instructor, sensei, football coach? It should be us, which means we need to invest more time in our family now and worry less about whether Sally learns what it means to be a team player from someone who barely knows her.
OK, before you revolt and tell me I'm suggesting kids don't do anything. Ever. Allow me to say that there is nothing wrong with signing your kids up for something. I personally shudder at the thought of signing my kids up for more than one thing. Our oldest takes piano lessons. That's it. Are there other activities she eyeballs? Yes. After she fulfills a year long commitment to her piano instructor, if there is something else she would rather do, we'll see what can be done. So far, nothing else catches her eye more than the ivory keys, so piano it is! This accomplishes a couple of things: First, my daughter is still involved in an extra-curricular activity. Second, it allows her to focus on piano and see if she really likes it. If a buffet of activities is always in front of a child, they are never going to be able to hone their skills in anything that's on their plate.
Would it be hard to go cold turkey? Umm. Yes. Whittle it down slowly. Compromise with your kids. It's not about a specific number of activities. It's about what it takes for your family to be a team before any one family member is part of another team.
The Joneses can't beat that.
Listening To Some Rockin' Piano Playing,
Cynthia
So, maybe your brand of busy looks different than the Joneses, but we somehow feel like limiting our children's activities will leave them ill-equipped for real life. We're concerned that we will be criticized for not letting our kids partake of an array of activities. After all, where else will they learn such valuable lessons found in said activities?
Common reasons for enrolling kids in sports: Exercise, discipline, respect, and learning to be a team player. Don't we want those qualities applied, not just to soccer, but also to our family? Why should they learn those attributes from a coach? Why not enroll your child in a sport because they are disciplined, respectful and have learned to be a team player within their family? His/her coach will thank you, and you can rest in the knowledge that your child is receiving reinforcement training in what you have already begun (while staying fit). The only way we can achieve this is if we are investing serious quality time in training our children, versus saying a prayer and crossing our fingers.
When hard times come who will our children fall back on? Their ballet instructor, sensei, football coach? It should be us, which means we need to invest more time in our family now and worry less about whether Sally learns what it means to be a team player from someone who barely knows her.
OK, before you revolt and tell me I'm suggesting kids don't do anything. Ever. Allow me to say that there is nothing wrong with signing your kids up for something. I personally shudder at the thought of signing my kids up for more than one thing. Our oldest takes piano lessons. That's it. Are there other activities she eyeballs? Yes. After she fulfills a year long commitment to her piano instructor, if there is something else she would rather do, we'll see what can be done. So far, nothing else catches her eye more than the ivory keys, so piano it is! This accomplishes a couple of things: First, my daughter is still involved in an extra-curricular activity. Second, it allows her to focus on piano and see if she really likes it. If a buffet of activities is always in front of a child, they are never going to be able to hone their skills in anything that's on their plate.
Would it be hard to go cold turkey? Umm. Yes. Whittle it down slowly. Compromise with your kids. It's not about a specific number of activities. It's about what it takes for your family to be a team before any one family member is part of another team.
The Joneses can't beat that.
Listening To Some Rockin' Piano Playing,
Cynthia
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