Did That Really Just Happen? (Parenting Edition)

Welcome to another installment of *trumpet fanfare*

Did That Really Just Happen? (all-new Parenting Edition):

1. I spent 45 minutes detangling knots from a precious little noggin...and it wasn't Sophia's.*
2. I washed my face with hair butter.**
3. Timothy caught me scarfing a chocolate muffin out of a cereal bowl (I used a spoon and everything -that's an elaborate guise). The girls, however, were none the wiser.
4. I have horrified my children as only a mother can. At their insistence, I tried on skinny jeans. That'll teach 'em.***
aaaaaand...
5. Last night was "Presidents Night" at AWANA. I slapped a tie on my daughter and told her to hold up bunny ears. She was the only kid who went as Nixon.

Keepin' It Real,
Cynthia


*What exactly do nine year-old girls do to their hair?!?
**Now my chin hair should be silky and lustrous. Thank you for noticing.
***In other news, we're accepting donations for future therapy sessions for our children.

Why "28 Ways To Connect To Your Spouse" Is Not As Attractive As "28 Ways To Connect To Your Child"

I've found that people are much more receptive to ideas aimed at improving their relationship with their children than with their spouse. Once the advice is for our marriage, we tend to skim the information. I'm guilty as charged. I look forward to reading a blogger's suggestions for parenting. I will altogether skip articles that tell me how to show love to my husband.

Why?

When we see advice for parenting, we see fun. When we see advice on marriage we see failure.

A list of 28 ways to connect with your kids is just icing on the cake, but that same list applied to your spouse acts as judge and jury. I go from being a mom brainstorming a list for parents, to seeming like a know-it-all wife who has it all together and is going to enlighten my poor readers, whose marriages are in shambles.

Stick tight with me for just a moment. This is practically the same list I provided for parents. I changed it up a bit, but most of our closest relationships require the same formula, tweaked to fit the individual. Don't stop reading. I assure you, I fail daily to heed my own advice. Just accept these as ideas from one flawed human to another.

28 Ways To Connect With Your Spouse:

1. Begin by learning their love language(s). If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out this book (or this one if you're of the male persuasion).
2. Whenever possible, make eye contact with your spouse when they talk to you, and likewise when you are talking to them. I know I'm guilty of rationalizing that Timothy understands I'm listening, even if my eyes are glued to the screen.
3. Touch often.
4. Google "obscure holidays" and every month pick one (or more!) to celebrate. Seriously. There are some ridiculous holidays crying out for a celebration.*
5. Watch your wedding video or look through your wedding album together.
6. Get silly. Play ridiculous games together.
7. Respect.
8. Don't hijack the family meeting from your spouse.
9. Go camping, even if it's only in the backyard.
10. Learn a new skill together.
11. Sometimes it's best to leave the dishes in the sink and have a good snuggle instead.
12. Read a book together (for our children, I suggested "Read a book under the covers with them". Unless you have a death wish, I advise keeping your head near fresh air...)
13. Genuinely apologize when you've wronged them. This is so easy if we accidentally bump their elbow; Not so much if we spew hurtful words in anger.
14. Listen wholeheartedly.
15. Pray for each other. Often.
16. Surprise them with undivided time with you (perhaps a date or weekend getaway).
17. Make up a story with the two of you as the main characters (Bwahaha! This was for the kids, but now that I see it in this context...).**
18. You initiate, instead of waiting for them to seek you out (ladies, we are notoriously guilty as charged.).
19. Laugh often and with abandon (we resort to funny videos on YouTube).
20. Affirm their value to your children.
21. Respect them when talking to family and friends.
22. Be vulnerable.
23. Forgive more.
24. Complain less.
25. Be trustworthy.
26. Encourage friendships.
27. Educate yourself on their interests.
28. In short, love deeply.


I'll leave you with the most recent video that had us chortling.

Laugh Lots And Love Much,
Cynthia




*This is not hard, folks. Yesterday was National Tortilla Chip Day.
**Just for the record: I would be laughing way too hard to give this a go.

Let Them: A Saturday Series

This first Saturday series is called "Let Them". There are so many things we just big, fat don't let our kids do. I'm meeting some of those things head-on and seeing what happens.

Let Them Give It Away

"I want to give this toy away."
cringe
I can think of a handful of reasons we should keep said toy. It was a special birthday present. It's still a popular toy in the house. You haven't had it that long.

Most of the time I let it go in the giveaway bag. None of the time have they regretted their choice. Here's the deal: I would rather train them in generosity than in hoarding treasures "where moth and rust destroy." If that means they give away something I'd prefer they keep, so be it. I'm more concerned with their character than the contents of their toy bin.

Just to make this blog post a little longer, I'll toss my "rules" below:
1. I oversee the process. When they were younger, I gathered the toys I preferred to never lay eyes on again and invite them to choose 2-3 to donate.* As the kiddos mature, I loosen the leash. Now, Miss CEO almost has free rein in the donating arena.
2. If a strong majority are in favor of donating a specific toy, I will set it aside and see if the holdout notices the missing toy. If a couple weeks go by with no questions asked, in the bag it goes.
3. If only one child is in favor of donating a specific toy, it stays.
4. You may not donate your sister's toys.
5. There are about a dozen Non-Negotiables. These are family heirlooms, and they are free to donate them when I'm dead.

Chances are, six months from now, none of you will remember what you donated. So give it a go; Fill a bag with your kids and trot over to Goodwill.** If you miss your junk that much, go visit it on the weekends.

These are a permanent fixture in our home.

Filling A Bag,
Cynthia

*When it starts looking like the toy counter at Chuck E Cheese, something's gotta give. Can I get an "Amen"?
**Contribute to the bag and you'll be doing that whole "lead by example" thing. Sometimes it smarts, but in the end you're more blessed than before.

28 Ways To Connect With Your Child

Since February is the Love Month (or so I've heard from hopeless romantics), I figured I'd share a few ways to show love to those ankle biters who keep calling you "Mom". 

1. Begin by learning their love language(s). If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out this book (or this one if you have older kiddos).
2. Whenever possible, make eye contact with your child when they talk to you, and likewise when you are talking to them.
3. Hug often.
4. Google "obscure holidays" and every month pick one (or more!) to celebrate.*
5. Watch home videos together. **
6. Get silly. Play ridiculous games together.
7. Climb in the fort with them.
8. Have family meetings and include their thoughts and opinions. Better yet, let them lead the meeting now and then.
9. Go camping, even if it's only in the backyard.
10. Learn a new skill together.
11. Sometimes it's best to leave the dishes in the sink and have a good snuggle instead.
12. Read a book under the covers with them.
13. Genuinely apologize when you've wronged them.
14. Listen wholeheartedly.
15. Pray for each other.
16. Surprise them with individual time with you (even if it's nothing more than staying up 10 minutes later than the rest of the kids).
17. Make up a story with the two of you as the main characters. ***
18. You initiate play, instead of waiting for them to seek you out. 
19. Laugh often and with abandon. 
20. Affirm their value in the family. 
21. Ask permission to relay anecdotal stories about them to your friends/relatives. 
22. Be vulnerable. It's OK if our children see our imperfections (keeping in mind age-appropriateness).
23. Don't share behavioral woes with any more people than necessary, and definitely not when your child might hear you.
24. Read to them (even if they can read independently).
25. Be trustworthy.
26. Just because they are young does not mean we are excused from respecting them.
27. Educate yourself on their interests; Learn the names of their favorite book characters, play their favorite Wii game with them, know their favorite band, etc.

28. In short, love deeply. 


Give It A Go,
Cynthia



*Does it get better than celebrating National Ice-Cream Sundae Day? Didn't think so.
**If you don't have any, get crackin'.
***Bonus points for illustrations.

Dear Adoptive Mom Who Chose To Disrupt

Dear Adoptive Mom Who Chose To Disrupt,

I want to begin by saying "I'm sorry". I'm sorry for every judgmental word or thought I've entertained towards you. I have not walked in your shoes and I only know snippets. I'm sorry for the criticism you've endured, to your face and behind your back. I'm sorry for every stone-faced greeting you receive in church. I'm sorry for the isolation that has been your life since bringing home your son/daughter. 

Making the decision to disrupt an adoption comes at a steep cost. If you're fortunate, those closest to you will understand and be supportive. I hope you have that. I hope you've found support from the moment you brought this child into your home. It's hard to be transparent when your adoptive child is difficult. After all. you don't want to cast a bad light on adoption. But people need to know that few parents do this on a whim; Most have agonized for months and exhausted every available option. You tried counseling (that was a joke). You poured hundreds of dollars into therapies and treatments, which provided temporary changes. You have placed him/her into institutions, but it doesn't last due to their violence. You were left physically, emotionally and financially broken. Through it all, you have looked into the eyes of a child you worked so incredibly hard to bring into your family. Perhaps you crossed the ocean to provide a family for this precious life. You certainly emptied a few pens of their ink, filling out endless paperwork. And now the paperwork continues as you, yet again, have to explain why you made the painful decision to disrupt. You feel as though the very paper and ink revile you. 

You are misunderstood at every turn. People commonly say snide things like, "I didn't know you could return them like a can of soup." or "Geez. The kid's already been through Hell. Why not dig the knife a little deeper." or "What part of 'parenting them as your own' confuses you? You don't just give them away when it's hard. You wouldn't do that to a biological child." None of those people know you. Please don't let them define you. You don't need further condemnation. You've already condemned yourself a thousand times.

Instead we need to be saying "I know this has been horrible for all of you. How is ________ (the child) doing? How are you doing? What do you need? How can I pray for you? Want to grab coffee next week?" 

So, sweet mama, I know there will always be a part of your heart intertwined with a child that is no longer yours. I know you feel grief and guilty relief when you see their empty spot at the table and wonder what else possibly could have been done. I want you to know that I'm doing my best to help others understand you are not a bad mom. Please tell me what else I can do. 


Sincerely,
Cynthia

Let Them: A Saturday Series

This first Saturday series is called "Let Them". There are so many things we just big, fat don't let our kids do. I'm meeting some of those things head-on and seeing what happens.

Let Them Get Dirty

Idyllic images of children tromping through the grass, finding treasures, playing in the dirt, climbing trees. The tantalizing scent of freshly baked bread wafts through the house and you smile as you consider your little blessings. Your precious brood comes running for homemade chocolate chip cookies, and you smile sweetly as they race through the yard and open the back door with gusto, proudly clutching a bouquet of "flowers" picked just for you. You exclaim over their beauty, hugging the giver and inhaling the sweet scent of sunshine that has soaked into their pores. 

Oh, sweet summertime memories.

Even I want to climb into that picturesque scene.* Let me paint the scene that unfolds in our home:

It's melt-your-face-off hot, and everyone has been cooped up in the air-conditioned house. I smile sweetly at my children and remind them that dogs still poop in 120 degree heat, so here's a bag. Skedaddle. After mild protests, they procure a bag, don their flip-flops and head out the door. In ten second flat they have cleared the yard and are ready to head for cooler temperatures. I open the back door to encourage them to play for a while longer on their flaming torch swing set. The most unpleasant scent assaults my nostrils as I realize they have deposited a bag of sun-baked dog poop right by the back door. They whine, and in a moment of desperation I suggest turning on the hose. Their eyes light up at the prospect, and they are back out the door in a flash. I smile smugly that I am going to have at least ten minutes to sneak chocolate read my Bible. Two hours later, I hear excited shouts from the yard. Disposing of chocolate wrappers like a pro, I saunter outside to see what my little angels have been up to. Suffice to say that if mud were the only life-sustaining source left on the planet, my children were going on nine lives. As was the side of the house, their clothes, the patio...forget trying to find their shoes; Those are sunk in the bog that became our backyard. 

The internal dialogue goes something like this:

I just mopped three days ago. How can I prevent the tracking of grass and mud into the house? I'm gonna have to treat all their clothes for stains. They'll have to take showers right away, which is going to throw off our whole evening schedule. 

I'm thankful those were mere thoughts and not words spoken to my children. One look into their shining eyes told me it truly was all worth it. Three of my girls were planted in the middle of their mud sculptures, excitedly sharing the details from their imaginations. There was no "tromping" into the house. I hosed them off best I could while they continued to chatter on about their muddy adventures. I laid down some grungy towels and they did go straight into the shower. Fifteen minutes later they emerged with only dirty fingernails as evidence of their afternoon excursion. My floors survived. And while there was only store-bought bread with Skippy peanut butter for a snack, the vote is unanimous:  MUD has made it into the Summertime Memories Hall of Fame. 

Mamas, let them squish mud between their toes, get dirt in their ears and sand in their shoes. I've learned that children, clothes and floors are washable.

Off To The Park,

Cynthia

*I'll fist bump Mary Poppins while I'm there.

Hopeless (un)Romantic

That's us.

Every morning of our honeymoon, we asked God to send someone our way who needed encouragement. Without fail, we'd go all day without any encounters. Every night in the jacuzzi, someone would bare their souls to the starry-eyed newlyweds.

We went out on Valentine's Day. 

Once. 
Our first year of marriage we decided to try out this whole "Valentine's Date" thing (because that's what couples do). We went to a local brewery. The food tasted the same as it does the other 364 days of the year, and we ended up spending the evening talking to a homeless guy outside of the building.

One year we went out for Valentine's Day on the 13th.

Because they were running a special that day.

A few years back, we planned a romantic weekend getaway for our anniversary. We chose a gorgeous destination and booked the cheapest a quaint cabin. Imagine our surprise when we unlocked the door to find bunk beds, two twin beds and no bathroom ventilation.*

How romantic.

He buys me the closed flowers that bloom a day or so after delivery. I like them because it makes me feel like maybe I have a green thumb farther down the hypodermis layer. I like flowers, not because I think they are romantic, but because I feel accomplished if I get the suckers to bloom before they wilt.

No. We're not your ordinary brand of romantics. I'd like to think romance is unique to each couple, just as a snowflake floating on winter's breath is singularly remarkable in it's composition. If romance is a dance, some couples are a swingin' while some of us are awkwardly doing "the penguin waddle" and just hoping to avoid bruised toes. The steps aren't as important as the one with whom you share the song. Where ever you are on the dance floor, enjoy boogie-ing as only you two can!

Doing A Jig,
Cynthia



*That explains the chortling in the background when I called to make the reservation.